


Thirteenth

by VoidDragonQueen



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Blood, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Dreams and Nightmares, Drowning Mention, Light Angst, M/M, Mementos (Persona 5), Persona 5 Spoilers, Possibly Unrequited Love, Tarot, Time Loop, also this gets fairly iffy so uuh if youre easily squeamish i dont recommend, brief mention of vulture culture, fair warning: you too will be haunted by mementos after this, hes having a bad time, light comedy elements, lots of blood, memory resets, mild body horror, okay this is kinda a doozy so bear with me, this is super gross. sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2021-01-30 12:51:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21428506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VoidDragonQueen/pseuds/VoidDragonQueen
Summary: The Reaper stares at him, sitting in the blood, not a care in the world. Occasionally a drip comes from it and causes ripples, and Joker has to wonder if that was its victims' blood or its own."What the hell are you?" He screams at it. "Why do you remember and no one else does?!"It chuckles, and does nothing else but tilt its head.OR our hero is very aware of how time keeps looping, and it's driving him up the wall.
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Comments: 4
Kudos: 157





	Thirteenth

_ "You wonder why the cycle keeps you here, don't you?" _

Akira, or was he Ren this time? Whatever his name was, that phrase has been on repeat in his mind ever since the Reaper spoke it to him. And no one else had heard it say it, all unconscious at the Reaper's feet but him. A forced retreat for the time being, conceding the point to it again.

Joker, because he supposes his codename is really the only constant in his cursed life, stares up at the dusty ceiling for, oh, he'd say it's about the fourth time he's lived through this day of this endless year. No matter what he changes, it always stays the same.

Probation. Sent away. Contract. Betrayal. Kill God. Testify. Go home. 

Four. Different. Times.

He was getting sick of this endless loop he was stuck in, begging whatever unjust gods keep him here to either knock it off or come to fight him because he killed one god and he will kill another if he had to.

Stuff he never really put thought into also haunted him, particularly Mementos itself. At this point, he's reasonably sure it's Yaldabaoth's body, what with all the veins running through it and the gross warmness he feels traveling through it. It churns his stomach, somewhat freaks him out, he'd gladly take several Palaces over stepping foot in Mementos for five minutes.

"Does it bother you when Mementos… oozes, sometimes?" Joker asks Morgana delicately, not sure how else to put it, late at night.

"I mean, sorta…" He admitted. "I've just learned to tune it out."

He wishes he could tune it out too. He wants to drown in the bath every time they leave Mementos, wants to scrub his skin raw as if that would get the awful reality of the "public's" cognition out of his skin. 

He's tried asking about the Reaper once, to Yaldy and Caroline and Justine. They don't look him in the eye, make up excuses, or is it they're not even aware of it, tucked safely away in the Velvet Room. He wishes he could have answers. He wishes they would say something else, and give him a hint.

Why talk to him? And why now? Why did no one else hear it?

At one point, he's driving, and Akechi is in the back seat with Ann and the rest while Futaba is next to him, and he knows that beautiful face will betray him yet again. And then they hear the chains, because Joker got bored and started driving in circles to draw it out. It gets closer. And closer.

"We need to get out of here." Mona says, and everyone agrees, unsettled and unnerved just as he is.

He does what any reasonable person looking for answers does, and makes a u-turn, and charges towards it. 

"Joker turn this cat around right now!! Have you lost your mind?!" Makoto screeches at him.

The Reaper's expression doesn't change as Joker crashes right into it. They try again, struggling against it, and the Reaper does not have the same gleeful joy the other monsters do when they have the upper hand, and nor does it curse and spit at them when they land a good hit on it, however rare it is. It remains ever silent, even as they're about to weaken and fall over one by one.

"Come on, talk to me!" Joker screams at it. "You did it once! Why won't you say anything?!"

"Dude what the fuck are you talking about?!"

The Reaper does nothing but level its gun, and shoots him in the face. Joker yelps, falling over from the force. It hurt like hell. Arsene, and Satanael, no matter how strong they got, seemed to cower from the Reaper. Makoto and Akechi make the call to retreat, and drag his stupid, suicidal ass back to the closest rest area. Makoto and Akechi give him the scolding of a lifetime, maybe even two.

He stops caring, after a while. He pushes them away one lifetime and makes them his enemies, another he tries to be the glue that binds them all together and shoot sunshine out his ass, and he's still stuck in this never ending loop of having to kick god's ass again and again. He just goes through the motions, but this one, his, oh, seventh if he's counting correctly, he surrounds himself in dead and dying plants. Morgana sort of half heartedly scolds him for it every time, but he just stops after a while too. 

Joker visited Chihaya a lot more this lifetime, seeing, hoping that she could maybe somehow break this god forsaken loop he was in. He paid attention to her cards more and more, trying to figure out how to do the same.

"Hey, why is that one not labeled like the others?" He asked.

She glanced at him, and back down at the card.

"Because it's already bad luck." She says quietly, as if speaking louder would curse her too.

Research, more research. He was invested in reading all he could about tarot. Maybe he too, could guide his path alongside her guidance, and find a way to break out if both of them were working at it.

_ The Thirteenth Major Arcana. Death. Many cultures leave it unlabeled to give it a less frightening meaning. Some say having it printed can invite death upon you. It has a broader meaning of rebirth and metamorphosis. _

He would like to test it out for himself, to learn to read the cards, and he's told Chihaya so, but she said the first deck has to be a gift. Joker wasn't sure if his friends would get him one, considering how he's been doing lately.

"It fuckin' talked to me once." He says once to them all, when he's had too little sleep and too much caffeine that he was nearly jittering out of his skin. "I swear to every force on earth it did. It  _ spoke  _ to me."

They stare at each other, horribly uncomfortable and deeply concerned. Futaba closed her laptop, took a deep breath, looked him dead in the eye and went:

"I'm confiscating your energy drinks."

He conceded the point to her, handing over the half a can in his hands and not getting up as she found the rest of his stash with Ryuji's help. As they start to go home, Joker begs one of them to stay so he can just talk this out, and Akechi reluctantly agrees, asking if chess could be in the picture. He shrugged, and Akechi shrugged too and half-heartedly set it up for them.

"You. You understand, right?"

"What on earth is bothering you so much that you're asking me that?"

He didn't know. He knows that beautiful face cannot be trusted. 

"Can I just like, ramble at you for a bit?"

"Go for it."

"Look, I keep having this horrible sense of deja vu, like I'm stuck reliving this year over and over and over again and no matter what I do it's always the goddamn same and none of you seem to remember at all, which is fucking wild because this is like the seventh time we've gone through this, y'know? I'm not crazy, am I? You feeling that we're stuck doing the same thing, right? But my god, I'm not kidding when I said the Reaper spoke to me once. I swear to Yaldabaoth that it also remembers we're stuck in this fucking loop and we never get past this year. I don't know why it talked to me, and only me, but it fucking did, but why does no one else remember this shit? I ask my attendants and they don't know a goddamn thing, it's like everything resets except me and it and I'm going fucking crazy. Whatever cowardly and unjust god cursed me is going to be strangled with my bare fucking hands."

Akechi stared at him.

"I think… just… maybe you should tell a doctor about that. And get some sleep."

Akechi excused himself and left, and Joker kicked himself over scaring him away.

He tries to tell the others the same thing. One by one, he tells them what's really on his mind, just like he did with Akechi. They quietly suggest the same thing. Futaba raids his room for more energy drinks she might've missed the first time. Ryuji practically drags him to Takemi's clinic. He passes all her tests. 

He shrinks in on himself, hurt his friends aren't listening to him. They find him weird, now. He feels alone all over again. The outcast he used to be. He barely listens to Morgana's late night fears of being the only one that doesn't fit in, and finds his claims untrue. The outcast is him, and he supposes it's just going to be like that forever.

He dreams. It's not often he does anymore, or at least, nothing outside of the same silly dreams and Velvet Room visits, but this one was strange.

Mementos was as disgustingly warm and pulsating as usual, and he was alone. He stumbled his way around, red monochrome all over the place, veins bursting under his boots and spilling blood, if he could call it that, everywhere. There was no shadows though, at least nearby. He walked until he saw a person, moving towards it. It spun around, a skeleton wrapped in those same pulsating veins, the smell making him nauseous as it came towards him. He stumbled and fell backwards, it pinning him to the ground and screeching in his face.

"Hmph, such a pitiful imitation, isn't it?" A deep, gravelly voice said.

A creak of leather and the jangle of chains announced a bony finger jabbing the creature on the head, it freezing and crumbling into dust before his very eyes. Joker looked up to stare into the one eyed, blood stained face of the Reaper before it turned and left. He scrambled to his feet, chasing it.

"Wait! Come back! Why did you speak to me?!" He shouted at it.

He tripped on something, and then he was falling.

Joker hit the floor with a groan, pushing himself up.

"Hey, you okay?" Mona asked, sleepy.

"Uh huh. Good."

He just crawls back into bed, and decides to find the Reaper once again.

He goes alone, this time, though his friends aren't too happy about it. He hates seeing them fall to the one being they haven't managed to figure out where to begin to kill it. He just wants answers, and he figures that since he was alone with his unconscious friends when it talked to him, it'll only talk to him when he's alone.

It takes time, and it's even worse now that Morgana isn't there to drive him around, so the veins pop and ooze under his feet, and cling to his boots, and touching the sticky warm walls of the place makes his skin crawl. At one point in his mad descent, he stops to break one of the chains on the ceiling, his curiosity being rewarded with a shower of blood. He gags, because it smells awful, and moves to the side to try and wipe it off his face at the very least.

It doesn't take too much longer to hear the rattling of chains and the soft creaking of leather, Joker straightening up and sorting through his masks. The Reaper turns the corner, and Joker is ready for a fight.

"I'm alone now. Why did you talk to me? Tell me right now."

It does nothing but stare, waiting for him to make his move. How polite of it, he thinks.

"Talk. To. Me." He growled at it.

Still nothing.

"Fine. I'll beat it out of you." He snapped.

And despite how hard he tried, the Reaper still beat him to near death without saying a word. He didn't want to die down here, so he retreated again, furious. 

"Joker, why did you-" Morgana started, but yelped as he fell to his knees.

He smacked the ground in frustration before Ann helped him up as the others scrambled to heal his wounds. He glances over at the twins, the door inviting. 

"Dude, you good?" Ryuji asked.

"Hold on." He said, walking over to be imprisoned again.

They did their usual greeting, which he mostly ignored and waited until they stopped talking at him.

"Maybe… it's because I don't have any of Death." He mumbled to himself, looking through the registry and eyeing what he could possibly fuse.

Hell Biker. That should be good enough, he reasoned. Maybe that's what was missing. Maybe that was the key to getting the Reaper to talk to him again.

"Is that all?" Caroline demanded of him.

"No." He said, taking a breath before he asked his fruitless question again. "What is the Reaper?"

And Yaldy shook his head, and the girls stared blankly at him and muttered among themselves.

"Why do you ask a question that has no answer?" Yaldy questioned. 

He didn't know. He probably wouldn't know why he kept bothering to ask them.

"To get a hint." He muttered. "Forget I asked. Bye."

Surprise, surprise. It does not work the next time they run into it. 

When they aren't looking, he stares gloomily out the window, knowing that after their road trip back home, he'll have to start this all over again.

By his eighth go through, he's gotten everyone convinced he's some sort of psychic. He tells them what's going to happen, they sort of laugh it off the day of and then they stare at him with wide eyes when what he said came true. He hates it, but it's better than them all begging him to go see a doctor. He can't tell them this is his eighth loop and he's memorized everything that happens this stupid, damned, and cursed year, because then they'll label him crazy again.

He takes his time, this time, to surround himself with death. He participates in what the internet calls vulture culture, legality of it all be damned. Skulls and bones soon are everywhere in his room, of all different shapes and sizes. It fascinates him how nature makes such clean bones. Morgana and Sojiro, rightfully, are a little unnerved by it at first. Sojiro gives up sooner once he learns Joker isn't harming anything. Morgana just simply gets used to it, much like he is used to crushing veins under his tires in Mementos. Everyone else just politely ignores them. 

"I have a crush on you." He tells Akechi once.

He sort of laughs it off nervously, the way someone who isn't used to genuine affection does, and goes quiet. He's afraid he's scared him off again, but Akechi awkwardly patted his hand and looks away. It doesn't really matter, he knows. It feels good to see him like this. To see something honest from the man who betrays him again and again. He won't remember the next time around. It hurts. But it's also beautiful in a sad way.

Just once, he'd like it to all go differently. He stares at the ceiling, and cries.

He's dreaming of Mementos again. This time, he's wearing a ring of his skulls around him like some sort of goth lei. Blood has flooded the floor and he's wading around in it ankle deep and aimless. He hates it. Wishes he was able to completely scrub it off his skin.

"Here you are again." A voice calls out to him, sounding as if it just finished digging itself out of a grave. "Another fruitless endeavor, I see."

The Reaper stares at him, sitting in the blood, not a care in the world. Occasionally a drip comes from it and causes ripples, and Joker has to wonder if that was its victims' blood or its own.

"What the hell are you?" He screams at it. "Why do you remember and no one else does?!"

It chuckles, and does nothing else but tilt its head. 

Joker wakes up pissed. But he just has to keep it inside, and go through the motions.

His tenth loop he's smiling through gritted teeth, trying to be an optimist this time around again. It's almost painful having to watch his friends suffer again. He's mostly numb to it all now. At least, that's what he tells himself. It isn't until he's sitting alone in the bathhouse that he breaks down sobbing.

He tries to find it again, this time filling up his entire roster with nothing but Death personas, except for Satanael. He keeps trying to get the demon on board with his plan, but he just hums his concerns at him. Suppose it's difficult to be surrounded by death. 

Again, the Reaper remains silent, and has no patience to keep fighting it. They run and make a mad dash for the lower levels, practically jumping down the escalators. He feels its hard stare on his back as they escape downstairs.

"Hey. Here." Chihaya says softly, handing him a cloth wrapped bundle.

He opens it to find a slightly worn deck of cards in it, looking up at her quizzically.

"You keep asking, so I figured I should give you my old deck."

"Thank you." He says, carefully wrapping it back up.

He piles together his previous research, and starts practicing little by little. Sometimes he reads for Morgana, when he gets curious, but otherwise it's mostly reading for himself. It doesn't have the same impact on the world as her reading does. Joker sighs, because what else he can do. The Card with No Name keeps coming up in all his readings about himself. He doesn't know what to do about it. The others inside him keep whispering about it, almost excited. He paid them no mind, this time. The voices are the one thing he can tune out in this insane world of his.

_ Death. The thirteenth major arcana. Often left unnamed, as it's placement is already considered highly unlucky. Rare that it means physical death in a reading, and often refers to metamorphosis and rebirth and change. _

Rebirth. Is that the same as experiencing life once again? 

No, he had to reason with himself, that would be the horrible time loop he finds himself trapped in. Rebirth was more like the phoenix, burning and then rising from the ashes anew. 

He keeps up his readings, and finds time to discuss his findings with Chihaya as she tests his fate changing abilities again. She is happy to talk more in depth with someone. Joker cannot find himself to be excited about it. The card still follows him, no matter what he does. He picks it up, giving it a glare.

_ Thirteen. Death. Thirteen. Death. Why this card, out of all of them? _

He probably will never know. Maybe it's mocking him as he's stuck in this never ending loop. 

They all swear under their breath as the Reaper starts chasing them. Joker had no intention of fighting it this time, knowing it was futile to try. They all take some time to regroup, knowing that they need to get going unless they want to run into it again so soon. 

Joker brings them back to the entrance after they find their last target, and stops to think about fighting the twins again. He does, and they manage to defeat them, even though they are challenging in their own right. 

Why are they easier than the Reaper? There's only one of it. 

He doesn't know. He doesn't think he ever will. He won't get an answer from them. Or Lavenza, because he's asked her too, and she doesn't have an answer either. 

He can't stop thinking about it. This is his twelfth repeat. He doesn't know how much longer he could take it. He truly despised Mementos. The walls were alive, as were the floors and the ceilings and everything was warm and sticky and pulsating. It doesn't get any less unnerving. The blood doesn't get any less smelly as it sticks to him like some god awful paste. The Reaper isn't any less of a mystery to him, and it still doesn't speak.

Maybe his friends were right. Maybe he was going crazy. It's driving him up a wall. Why doesn't Yaldy know they're in a time loop. He's a god, isn't he? Why doesn't Igor know? Isn't he also some other god like being, or something similar. What is the Reaper? What. Is. It. He wishes he could just scrub out his memory of this awful loop and just be blissfully unaware like everyone else was.

He steps off in front of his house, and he waves goodbye to his other friends, and as he goes inside, he holds his breath. He breathes out as it's still empty of his parents. He knows they'll be home late. 

He goes to sleep without much fuss. The next thing he knows, he's being shipped off again, alone and catless.

He wants to scream on this crowded train. But he doesn't, he just swallows his rage down and keeps quiet.

This time. This time he's going to break the loop. He's going to hunt down the Reaper and make it answer him. Mark his words.

He waits. He has to, because the earlier in this horrible year he goes, the faster they will all be wiped out by the Reaper. He bides his time training and preparing, running through Palaces like it was nobody's business when they opened, just so he could train and prepare more when the time came.

"Alright! That's all our targets for today! Should we go home?" Morgana asked, stretching a bit after their last fight. 

"Nah, there's one thing I wanna do first." Joker said, waving everyone to come with him. 

He searched for it, for a while. Just staying on the same floor, driving around. It would have to appear eventually. His roster was filled with Death personas again, but this time he had a feeling it would be different. The chains rattled above the voices, and Joker turned towards it, charging the Reaper at full speed. He was not going to demand it to talk this time. He's just going to beat it into the ground. But first, he was going to reveal what he knew of it. 

It was in a closed room, the shadows in the room already turned into goop by it. The Reaper turned to stare at them, silent as always.

"Joker, you're kidding, r-right??" Morgana asked, trembling as they got closer to it.

Joker crashed into it again, the Reaper ever uncaring. They got into battle formation, and he could tell they were scared. He didn't care anymore. He hated seeing it. Hated its judgmental stare and its stalking in his dreams.

"Why have you kept me here?" He asked. "Why do you make me repeat this over and over? What lesson is there left for me to learn?"

His friends stared at him. Yes, he sounded crazy. But he didn't expect it to answer.

"I'm not going to wait for you to answer. We're going to kill you, here and now. I've killed a god countless times, and now all that's left is to kill you." He snarled at it.

"Do you call a mere infant a ravenous monster?" The Reaper spoke, tilting its head. "There have been others before you who have tried, Trickster. They couldn't manage it. And you have already tried countless times already, both with your friends and not. What makes you think you're so special this time?" 

"...That?!? That thing talks??" Futaba exclaimed.

They didn't have time to process it, because Joker pounced, snarling in anger. 

They tried so hard to enact the plan they talked about for meeting extremely difficult enemies. And they were somehow winning. It was working. Joker felt that they could do this now, he was elated. Finally, he would kill the one keeping him in this endless loop and be free once he completes the year one last time.

The Reaper made a concerned note as they whittled away its health. And that's when it started turning the tables on them, hitting harder than they had previously seen before. 

Joker fell to his knees, weak from the whirlwind of ferocious attacks. His friends were unconscious around him, and he gritted his teeth. He started getting back to his feet, stopping as the barrel of its gun was shoved into his face, stopping him cold.

"Seems we are back to square one, Trickster." The Reaper purred. "So close. Now what?"

Joker glared at it in silence. He gritted his teeth and ordered a retreat. He helped his friends up, helping them regain a little strength so they could get out of there.

He risked one last glance back at the Reaper, who stood still and watched them leave.

Once again, they saved the world. Once again, Sae collected him for his testimony against Shido. And once more, his friends drove him back home afterwards.

He held his breath as the days passed. He keeps jerking awake thinking he's going to be staring at the attic ceiling again, with the smell of coffee from the cafe greeting him. Morgana was still by his side, sleeping peacefully in his bed. His own bed, back home. Outside of the city. He couldn't help but be anxious he'll wake up again, back at square one. For now, he's just going to keep his hopes low until he enters his third year. 

His dreams have deposited him back in Mementos, staring down at the Reaper from a ledge above it.

"It was a nice try, I'll give you that." It said, rolling its neck around and releasing a loud chorus of creaks. "Goodbye, little Trickster. Perhaps we'll meet again soon."

"I hope not." He responded, but it was already gone.

He couldn't be sure that it was lying, though.

**Author's Note:**

> *Okay, so if you're easily squeamish, I also don't recommend looking in depth into vulture culture either. 
> 
> This was something thats been on my mind a lot, and while replaying p5 again gave me a chance to look into the details of Mementos, so uh yeah, this was very inspired, if a bit off the wall. Thank you for reading <3


End file.
